How We Built a Meaningful Surrogacy Relationship

Our son Spencer was born through gestational international surrogacy in the USA. This was after a six-year infertility journey. Due to my thin endometrium lining, we had several failed, and cancelled, IVF transfers and three pregnancy losses.

It was our second fertility specialist in Australia who told us that surrogacy was our best chance of having a baby. And while surrogacy was an amazing and life changing experience for us, when we were first told about surrogacy, I was overwhelmed. I had never met a surrogate or anyone who had had children through surrogacy, and I didn’t know what to expect.

It was a feeling that was short-lived. When we first skyped with our beautiful surrogate Leigha, we were put at ease right away. Within minutes, it felt like a chat with an old friend. We formed an immediate bond with Leigha and her husband Josh.

1. Setting expectations. The first time we met, via Skype, we talked openly about the kind of relationship we wanted. We all agreed we wanted a friendship and long-lasting relationship. For some people though, they chose to not have a relationship after the birth. While I think it’s more common to have one, especially with USA surrogacy, it’s important to make sure you’re all on the same page before you get started. Five years on, we continue to have a special and beautiful relationship with Leigha and her family.

2. Communication. The first time we spoke, we also talked about our expectations with communication. Fortunately, Leigha is an excellent communicator and so not a single day went by, without her sending me updates through WhatsApp or Macro Polo (videos). Communication was particularly important to us given we were doing international surrogacy (it’s a long way from Australia to USA!). We also agreed to Skype all the appointments and scans. This gave us reassurance and comfort and we felt very much involved with the pregnancy.   

3. Building a bond with our son during pregnancy. Early on, Leigha had a wonderful suggestion. She asked us to record an audio of ourselves reading a children’s story. She then played it to her pregnant belly, every day, so that Spencer would be familiar with our voices while in the womb. A simple yet very meaningful idea.

4. The birth. Another important thing to discuss is the birth and everyone’s expectations. We agreed we would be in the delivery room when Spencer was born (we also had adjoining rooms at the hospital); my husband Ryan would cut the umbilical cord; and I would have skin on skin contact first, followed by Ryan and then Leigha. There are different ways to approach the birth so it’s important to all agree upfront.

5. Documenting our journey. Once Spencer was born, the night before we flew home to Australia, Leigha gave us a beautiful gift, a scrapbook of our journey together. From the IVF transfer and positive pregnancy result through to Spencer’s birth, it was all in there. It is one of my most cherished gifts and I look forward to the day when we can walk Spencer through this special book, a testament to him. We also gave Leigha a gift; a necklace with Spencer’s initials engraved.   

Without surrogacy, we wouldn’t have our beautiful son. Without surrogacy, tens of thousands of people wouldn’t have their precious children.

At Wish for a Baby Brussels, Marie Le Morvan from SurroGay will be presenting on ‘Surrogacy and the rollercoaster of emotions.’ Marie will talk about how to prepare physically, financially, and mentally to have the best experience possible. Whether you are a single future dad or a couple, Marie will share how to be prepared to manage the unexpected and undesired in this wonderful and complex process that is surrogacy.